How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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