Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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