Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
