My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I wear drunk well.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize