I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
