I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
