toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
pop tarts are not kleenex
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
