I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
