i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
