When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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