I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize