I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
