He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
