I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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