woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
