Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
