Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
