If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
