wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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