Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize
