she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize