Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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