you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
