you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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