If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
