no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
