So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
