Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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