He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
