You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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