The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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