somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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