I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
