My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
