Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
