Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
