I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
