I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
