Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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