he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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