I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
