That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize