Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
