Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
