We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
