Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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