Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
