Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Hippo gnu deer
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
