a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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