How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
