I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
