I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
