got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
