so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
