and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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