How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
