I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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