I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
worst night to have a conscience
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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