like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
