she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
