i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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