I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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