I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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