Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
