Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
