Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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