My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
