woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
