If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize