look no pants
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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