Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
