"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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